My husband never validates my feelings. If he does anything that shames or hurts me, he will twist things around so that whatever happened appears to be my fault and he won’t budge from this opinion. Then if I am frustrated or angry about him blaming me, he shames me about my anger and says I need to “see a therapist” about my anger. It’s a traumatic cycle that we go through and it’s getting the best of me.
It’s impossible for me to simply say that something he did upset me and expect any kind of understanding or support from him.
However, to everyone else he’s patient, supportive and kind. He’ll take up anyone’s side, and if I’m involved, his opinion is that I’m always the one who makes trouble.
I’m just heartbroken and lost and I honestly don’t know if it’s him or me anymore. I doubt myself so much which is not how I used to be.
If my husband were regularly dropping bricks on my feet, how much would we focus on the fact that he doesn't intend any harm and that my whining about broken toes was annoying to him?
I understand your question but in no way am I advocating for letting abusive behavior continue. If your husband is dropping bricks on your feet, I doubt that you're merely whining. You're probably in real pain and besides telling him to stop, you'd benefit from knowing why he's doing it so you can decide what to do about it and so that others - such as your therapist - have a better chance of understanding why you have a broken foot.
You are clearly slanted in your viewpoint from the autistic perspective
NT’s have a perspective also and I don’t like the way you dismiss the clear explanations even if they are labels, it works it fits and it needs to be recognized. And talked about and how these things are real, and if we twist and accommodate ourselves to the autistic ways , those things are still gonna be there in reality
I don’t think and it gets enough attention, what we’re( NT other) going through I think we were asked to bend and twist, and change and accommodate and don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget it’s not on purpose
No! I think once a person, a partner has been told whether autistic, or not, that they are hurtful and they continue to do it, that’s emotional abuse… unless there is intellectual disability or humans, including autistic, are able of understanding when they’re hurting someone and to stop and not do that behavior again, and when they do the behaviors again and again, and again, why are they not held culpable why must the NT change?
I hear what you're saying and I can validate how difficult it is to be with an ND partner and to expect a reciprocal relationship and for it to never be; but where it gets occluded is to blanket every misstep as abuse because when it comes to NDs they are very literal and how something is labeled can be emotionally cuing and the cycle of shutdown and not learning better coping skills continues. If the ND thinks every action/reaction they have means that someone is judging them they won't ever be able to learn the skills to change their behaviors. I have been through this dance personally (and it's still ongoing and I write about it from a lived experience perspective as I'm not a licensed professional).
I agree, the onus is on the ND to learn better, pro-social relationship skills and for them to understand that even if they don't understand the 'why' those skills are required they still have to do them because it's necessary for a variety of reasons and too many professionals aren't well trained in the area of ND/NT relationships and don't give good advice. But, NDs also need to be able to express their needs and have some expectation of accommodation and often times they find themselves where they aren't supported and are left to 'figure it out on their own' with absolutely no clue how to. It's a balance and that's how I read what Ms. Swenson wrote.
In the case of my partner, he never learned these skills because he was a late in life diagnosed adult and his way of coping growing up was to create maladaptive coping mechanisms to survive in a world not built for him. The friction in our relationship was there - he wouldn't acknowledge they existed and expected me to make all the accommodations and I pushed back. The part I was missing was that he literally never learned the proper skills in the first place and I needed to figure out a way to create an environment where he felt supported and why it was crucial for him to understand why he needed those skills and then take the steps to learn the skills them. It wasn't easy getting to that point and there's still a lot of hurt and pain from many years of not feeling seen or heard, but baby steps and he has to committed to and is doing the work. The commitment to doing the work is ALL on him and my part is provide validation so we can learn to speak in a language we can both understand. I won't lie, it's a dance alright and can be awkward and I hope it becomes more fluid with time.
For my kids, also ASD, I am teaching them the social skills they need at the right time in their development but in a way they understand so that their generation doesn't have to suffer like many of have because we didn't know what we didn't know.
It's hard; I get it, I really, really do as even with my own self-awareness there are times I feel drained. I had to find ways to fill my tank (writing fills my tank) and find that validation from within. You matter too. You deserve joy in your life too. I also have to radically accept where the limitations are as there things my partner will never be able to understand. I think more awareness of neurotypes in general and what it all means needs to be talked about and be more visible in society because the more people understand themselves, regardless of whether they're NT or ND, the better society can help support everyone. Too much stigma remains around being ND which makes it harder for people who learn later in life to be open to accepting help and as a result, their partner suffers which isn't fair. I just wanted to say I see you, I'm sorry that you struggle but you're not alone. Peace and light - I hope you find something today that sparks joy.
Very well thought out commentary, and very balanced to both the ND and NT partner. I salute what you are attempting with your spouse, and the understanding that skill building with your kids is essential. The hurt is real. So is the love. Bravo!
Maggie, I'm not suggesting dismissal of any explanations. I'm advocating adding them all together to understand your neurodiverse relationship. That's the point of the metaphor about the blind men and the elephant.
I'm asking NT partners to include information about neurodiversity in their thinking. My intention here is to help the neurotypical partner get the help she needs by being able to contextualize her experience of abuse within a neurodiverse relationship. Otherwise, she will continue to be misunderstood by others.
Both partners benefit from compassionate understanding of their differences. Both are responsible for their behavior and for the effect that behavior has on their partner, once they understand it. But both partners also benefit from understanding how their expectations color their experience in the relationship as well.
I agree it's helpful to combine the various "labels" and temper them with a strong dose of understanding and compassion for oneself and well as one's partner. Thank you for your commitment to helping couples understand each other.
My husband never validates my feelings. If he does anything that shames or hurts me, he will twist things around so that whatever happened appears to be my fault and he won’t budge from this opinion. Then if I am frustrated or angry about him blaming me, he shames me about my anger and says I need to “see a therapist” about my anger. It’s a traumatic cycle that we go through and it’s getting the best of me.
It’s impossible for me to simply say that something he did upset me and expect any kind of understanding or support from him.
However, to everyone else he’s patient, supportive and kind. He’ll take up anyone’s side, and if I’m involved, his opinion is that I’m always the one who makes trouble.
I’m just heartbroken and lost and I honestly don’t know if it’s him or me anymore. I doubt myself so much which is not how I used to be.
Hi Kathy I’ve had this experience too. You are not wrong - and I find it very unsettling as well.
If my husband were regularly dropping bricks on my feet, how much would we focus on the fact that he doesn't intend any harm and that my whining about broken toes was annoying to him?
I understand your question but in no way am I advocating for letting abusive behavior continue. If your husband is dropping bricks on your feet, I doubt that you're merely whining. You're probably in real pain and besides telling him to stop, you'd benefit from knowing why he's doing it so you can decide what to do about it and so that others - such as your therapist - have a better chance of understanding why you have a broken foot.
You are clearly slanted in your viewpoint from the autistic perspective
NT’s have a perspective also and I don’t like the way you dismiss the clear explanations even if they are labels, it works it fits and it needs to be recognized. And talked about and how these things are real, and if we twist and accommodate ourselves to the autistic ways , those things are still gonna be there in reality
I don’t think and it gets enough attention, what we’re( NT other) going through I think we were asked to bend and twist, and change and accommodate and don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget it’s not on purpose
No! I think once a person, a partner has been told whether autistic, or not, that they are hurtful and they continue to do it, that’s emotional abuse… unless there is intellectual disability or humans, including autistic, are able of understanding when they’re hurting someone and to stop and not do that behavior again, and when they do the behaviors again and again, and again, why are they not held culpable why must the NT change?
I hear what you're saying and I can validate how difficult it is to be with an ND partner and to expect a reciprocal relationship and for it to never be; but where it gets occluded is to blanket every misstep as abuse because when it comes to NDs they are very literal and how something is labeled can be emotionally cuing and the cycle of shutdown and not learning better coping skills continues. If the ND thinks every action/reaction they have means that someone is judging them they won't ever be able to learn the skills to change their behaviors. I have been through this dance personally (and it's still ongoing and I write about it from a lived experience perspective as I'm not a licensed professional).
I agree, the onus is on the ND to learn better, pro-social relationship skills and for them to understand that even if they don't understand the 'why' those skills are required they still have to do them because it's necessary for a variety of reasons and too many professionals aren't well trained in the area of ND/NT relationships and don't give good advice. But, NDs also need to be able to express their needs and have some expectation of accommodation and often times they find themselves where they aren't supported and are left to 'figure it out on their own' with absolutely no clue how to. It's a balance and that's how I read what Ms. Swenson wrote.
In the case of my partner, he never learned these skills because he was a late in life diagnosed adult and his way of coping growing up was to create maladaptive coping mechanisms to survive in a world not built for him. The friction in our relationship was there - he wouldn't acknowledge they existed and expected me to make all the accommodations and I pushed back. The part I was missing was that he literally never learned the proper skills in the first place and I needed to figure out a way to create an environment where he felt supported and why it was crucial for him to understand why he needed those skills and then take the steps to learn the skills them. It wasn't easy getting to that point and there's still a lot of hurt and pain from many years of not feeling seen or heard, but baby steps and he has to committed to and is doing the work. The commitment to doing the work is ALL on him and my part is provide validation so we can learn to speak in a language we can both understand. I won't lie, it's a dance alright and can be awkward and I hope it becomes more fluid with time.
For my kids, also ASD, I am teaching them the social skills they need at the right time in their development but in a way they understand so that their generation doesn't have to suffer like many of have because we didn't know what we didn't know.
It's hard; I get it, I really, really do as even with my own self-awareness there are times I feel drained. I had to find ways to fill my tank (writing fills my tank) and find that validation from within. You matter too. You deserve joy in your life too. I also have to radically accept where the limitations are as there things my partner will never be able to understand. I think more awareness of neurotypes in general and what it all means needs to be talked about and be more visible in society because the more people understand themselves, regardless of whether they're NT or ND, the better society can help support everyone. Too much stigma remains around being ND which makes it harder for people who learn later in life to be open to accepting help and as a result, their partner suffers which isn't fair. I just wanted to say I see you, I'm sorry that you struggle but you're not alone. Peace and light - I hope you find something today that sparks joy.
Very well thought out commentary, and very balanced to both the ND and NT partner. I salute what you are attempting with your spouse, and the understanding that skill building with your kids is essential. The hurt is real. So is the love. Bravo!
Maggie, I'm not suggesting dismissal of any explanations. I'm advocating adding them all together to understand your neurodiverse relationship. That's the point of the metaphor about the blind men and the elephant.
I'm asking NT partners to include information about neurodiversity in their thinking. My intention here is to help the neurotypical partner get the help she needs by being able to contextualize her experience of abuse within a neurodiverse relationship. Otherwise, she will continue to be misunderstood by others.
Both partners benefit from compassionate understanding of their differences. Both are responsible for their behavior and for the effect that behavior has on their partner, once they understand it. But both partners also benefit from understanding how their expectations color their experience in the relationship as well.
I agree it's helpful to combine the various "labels" and temper them with a strong dose of understanding and compassion for oneself and well as one's partner. Thank you for your commitment to helping couples understand each other.