Autistic Partner: You’re always angry. Angry at me.
Non-autistic Partner: No, I’m not! Why do you always think I’m angry? Why do you always think I’m angry at you?
And with that, they’re off.
Well, you look angry! You yell! You sound angry!
I don’t yell! Can’t I ever talk about anything? Everything isn’t about you!
Fine!
The autistic partner leaves the conversation feeling criticized and misunderstood.
And now the non-autistic partner actually is angry. And frustrated. And lonely.
Variations on this theme of misssed connection
I hear variations of this almost every day. Several components are at play in these ill-fated attempts at communication.
One thing to notice is the sheer weight of history in any longterm relationship, which might be lurking as a pest in yours. The past seems predictive. In other words, partners subconsciously believe that if something has always happened a certain way, it is happening that same way right now, and it will happen this way in the future